well, it’s been a minute. i haven’t been too interested in writing lately, so i haven’t and actually, at some point a few days ago i realized i’d straight up forgot about my blog.

so, here’s what’s new and can be caught up on:

JUNE 11 was chemo #10 - aloha themed, with my first pun suggestion “lu-WOW! this sucks”. Gruver came along and we had a box of 25 party lei’s that we gifted to the usual staff, nurses, and several patients and their company. this was the start of the final cycle (3 doses) of Taxol. Dr. Mehrotra didn’t think i’d be well enough in terms of the blood panels but my neutrophils were at 1.37 and we went forward with the full dose. by the end we joked about the theme being aloha because we “just needed to get lei’d” and many of the woman went home excited to tell their significant other “honey, i got lei’d at work!”

JUNE 18 was chemo #11 - it was blues brother themed (re-purposed from the previous time i was deferred due to poor counts — it was Gatsby then). the appointment was later in the morning and Colleen and I immediately heard an older gentleman say “ha! blue brothers! look at y’all. i am INSPIRED!”. then another gentleman, Dan, came over. he was so thrilled and wanted in on the gig, that Colleen started removing her costume to give to him. we stood by the check-in desk and he sang/rapped two songs for the whole lobby (and there were 8 new patients that day, so it was FULL)!! we did a lot of waiting around only to find out i was deferred yet again. my WBC were 1.9 and my neutrophils 0.88. Colleen had also come with me to a surgical consult i’d scheduled the day before, and i navigated us to the wrong clinic location… so we were 0/2 on appointments but they were kind of like adventure hangouts and i hadn’t seen much of her lately, so at least i had her company!

JUNE 25 was chemo #11…. actually this time. it was Anna and i and we carried Pride into Tuesday with some sequin-y rainbows tops. my counts had not restored quite like they did last time after a week of deferment, (the WBC was 2.3 and neutrophil 1.08 whereas previously after the week off it was 3.1 and 1.9) so i received 80% of a full dose and we were in and out real quick because i am no longer on the pre-meds. it was Benadryl and a steroid, which each took 20 minutes, so we slice an easy 40 minutes off without those. it also means I don’t nap through it anymore, nor do i sit up all night with insomnia.

so, next week, JULY 2 is my last scheduled chemo infusion for this treatment plan! while we don’t know how much we can celebrate until the week of the 22nd, it is absolutely a milestone achievement to have made it through these last 22 weeks of chemo. this is something i know. maybe it will feel different then, but right now, any “excitement” i feel is more because i know this can be celebrated and it should be… not because i genuinely feel excited more than i feel…. scared because i’d gotten used to this schedule. because i don’t know what imaging will reveal and if my port will come out or stay for a while. because i feel the weight of uncertainty, not knowing how long the effects of chemo like brain fog and fatigue, will last. or, perhaps they will get better, only to get worse again if/when radiation happens in a few months. since early on, i’ve been able to hang my hat on knowing i wanted to solve this problem surgically with a double mastectomy. last week i found out if anything has gotten worse, i might not be a candidate for surgery. this makes me think “this whole thing is fucking bullshit!!!!!” and i know it’s all true simultaneously.

there was a week i did a lot of yoga and had some really beautiful moments of practice, last week, there were 3 days that the only reason i went outside was because Tassie had to go out. oh, by the way, we adopted a bulldog mix reservation rescue who we’ve (Audrey) named Tassie! it’s been about two months since the day i spent almost all of chemo scrolling through adoption pages. had you asked me in December if i’d have a dog in the next year or three, i’d have said NO WAY but wow, this girl has been missing from my life.

Audrey’s been doing the Y camp 3 days a week. it seemed she liked it but this week is revealing perhaps the honeymoon phase has ended. it’s been good for June and we’ll see where July takes us. she is still getting to ninja and her summer cheer/pom session started. this time, she is the youngest of the group rather than the oldest, so she gets to be the flyer when they do stunts! she is VERY into this. she’s been working with an older neighbor she looks up to to learn kartwheels and handstands. i’m typing from the patio and just heard her ask “what about a back handspring?” so i suspect this will be an activity around for a while. she continues to be coping like a rockstar and the day to day dynamic between us isn’t particularly affected by Project Cancer, besides that some days she is caught between the internal struggle of wanting to be with me but not being able to accept/handle being with me means doing something i can do from bed.

the past two Sundays we’ve ventured to Aitkin to visit mom and dad at the farm and had a nice time retreating out of the suburb and into the country. for the next month, they’ll be in Duluth. i thought that we’d spend the 4th of July there but with chemo wrapping up on Tuesday, i might not want to be that far from home. we’ll see.

this weekend we hope to introduce Tassie to some of her pack friends. Audrey is excited to take her to the bigger of the two dog parks at our building and we are thinking Tass will follow her through some of the obstacles! i’m going to set out for a life jacket for her and get some lake time in, she does a lot of laying around, so she might really enjoy paddle boarding!

the hope & prayer is that my numbers remain stable so i can complete the 4th and final chemo cycle on tuesday and from there, that i remain strong in the numbers through the final nadir period (7-14 days post-infusion).

here is a little bit of June in photos.